L.O.V.E. Y.O.U.R.S.E.L.F.

L.O.V.E. Y.O.U.R.S.E.L.F.

Let go of the "shoulds" in your life.
Open up to the miracle of now.
Value your uniqueness.
Explore your dreams and passions.
Yield to life - go with the flow.
Obey the voice of your Spirit.
Unwind - get cozy and comfy.
Renew yourself - body and soul.
Surround yourself with caring people.
Express yourself - be true to you.
Linger longer at what you enjoy.
Feel God's special love for you.
~~ Author Unknown ~~

Shopping with Britt

Went shopping with Brittany today. WooHoo! A much needed day away. I can always depend on her to put me in a better mood. Started off at Ulta where we sampled just about every perfume they had there. Geez did we stink when we left. I feel sorry for anyone who had to walk past us. LOL! She did however give me a few good ideas for presents for Christmas. Then it was off to Target. STUPID! Everyone knows I can spend hours in Target. Poor Britt had to spend the rest of the afternoon in there with me. We tried on some "hooker" heels. That was hilarious. I could not walk in them. I could barely stand in them. Then it was on to looking for a leash and collar for my cats. Yes that's right...my cats. I was going to attempt to teach them how to walk on a leash. Dumb idea. After that we found ourselves in the toy department. My mom needed an African American baby doll for a present needed for a 3 year old girl. This was so hard to find. They had every type of baby doll imaginable but none were Black. We finally found one. Yes...ONE! Brittany's thought......"Target is racist." LOL. Yeah Britt...you might be right. Ha! Ha! So a few hours and a few unnecessary purchases later we finally got out of there with me spending barely under $100. Sad because we were only going in for the baby doll. Oh well. Guess I need to work some overtime this week.
We ended the day stopping by Starbucks and going by my mom's job to bug her and her co-worker. We danced as silly as possible to music playing in the background in my mom's office until we realized there were security cameras. I'm sure we gave their security guard quite a show. Fun! Fun! So overall....a pretty good ending to my weekend.

Blogging on a regular basis...

Sorry I haven't been blogging on a regular basis. I've had a lot going on this week. Nick had his brain surgery on Thursday. Everything went well. Yay!!! The tumor was removed and he's coming home tonight. Seem a little early for him to be coming home??? Well it is. But, this is Nick we're talking about and he's very stubborn. He's a doctor's worst nightmare. Hopefully he'll continue doing well and leaving early won't affect anything.
We had a family dinner with him Wednesday night that turned out very successful. I say this because we not only had his ex-wife there but also his mother and father were there. His mother and father do not get along at all so the fact that they both came and were civil meant alot. It was nice to see him happy for a change.
So the bad news........they finally gave him more of a time frame for the disease. They do not feel he has much longer. Eight months or less. My mom told me over dinner last night. It was weird. I didn't cry at all. I couldn't. I was in shock. I've known this was coming but in the back of my mind have thought everything would work itself out and be fine. I dropped her off back at the hosptial, went home and just cried and cried and cried. Her words just kept running through my head over and over again. Not that he didn't have much time left but the fact that he's scared. I can't handle that. He's such a strong person. He's not suppose to be scared damn it. He's Nick. He's strong, he's a smart ass, and he's a fighter. So to hear that he's scared just made it more real. And I'm not sure I'm ready to accept that yet. I love him so much and I just don't want him to go yet. He can't. He just can't.

Well this is a first.....

LOL! I'm so proud of myself. Pree just left and for once I'm not completely smitten with him. Yay!!! I think I'm finally waking up. I don't think there has ever been a time that I've seen him and didn't start glowing afterwards. Don't get me wrong....I'm in a really good mood but its not because of him. He came over...we got physical...We talked and then he left. No discussions about us (this would be the usual), no me wanting to date him and being upset that he's not ready to settle down, most importantly....No me crying about feeling stupid for falling for him again. I think I'm finally okay with the situation. I know it will never go anywhere and I know that he's not what I really want. Its been more of an infatuation with him. Physically...He's the best I've ever had. He was the one I experienced many of my "firsts" with so I guess its natural. Its taken me awhile to differentiate love from sex. I thought because I was always on a complete high after we hooked up that meant I really liked him. WRONG!!! It just meant I finally had some really good sex. Ha! Ha! I'm so glad I see that now. It was really starting to mess with my head. My only problem now.....I compare everyone to him. Its really stupid and I'm probably going to miss out on a really good guy but its just something I can't stop doing. DARN IT! That's my next obstacle to get over. Time for bed. Boy do I feel better. NITE!

BLAH!

I was going to blog all about my situation with Terrance tonight. Tell you all about how much shit we've been going through and how hurt I am and BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Yeah...I sound like a broken record when it comes to him. There are things much more serious going on in my life right now. So this will be about those things. I'm not saying what happened with him and I isn't important but at the moment there are other things I need to concentrate on first. So I'll leave the situation with Terrance and I at....I love him and care for him deeply and he'll always be one of my best friends but I just can't continue to be hurt by him. I have to let go. I'm hoping someday he'll understand and see just how much I cared but there's nothing more I can do. He told me my problem was I always try to control things I will never have control of. Well....I don't have control of this and never will so I'm letting it go.

On to something else. I found out last night Nick's tumor has grown to the size of a golf ball now. For those of you unaware, he has a tumor in his brain at the moment. He also has one on his lung and a few back in his leg. He's already had 15 or so cut out of his thigh and now there is more. He will be having surgery this coming Thursday on his brain. They are going to attempt to remove the tumor. I'm trying to stay sane and be there for my mom but to tell you the truth I'm so close to breaking down. I don't know what to say. I'm suppose to be her comic relief but I'm not feeling very funny at the moment. Its finally hitting me just how serious this is. He's not going to be around next year. As much as I pray about it I have to start being realistic again. I need to cherish the time I have with him now but I just can't seem to keep the "happy face" going when I'm around him. The whole thing scares the shit out of me. I don't know how my mom is going to get through this and sometimes I feel guilty for being more worried about her than him. I love him so much but yeah...she's the one I'm more worried about. He's strong and though I know she is too, I still wonder how she'll pull through this. He's her other half and I can't see her functioning without him. He's changed my family so much. Going through this whole thing with him has really opened up my eyes. I now know just how important family is and I hope I never lose site of that again.
I could go on and on about this but its late and I need to be able to get up for work tomorrow. I just needed to get that out real quick. More tomorrow.

Winning by Losing

I recently purchased this book by Jillian Michaels called Winning by Losing. You may know her from the reality show The Biggest Loser. Since I just bought it I can't tell you too much about it other than what her three main focus points for weight loss are.
1.Self
2.Science
3.Sweat

Self- meaning that you need to first realize why you have the weight issues, who around you affects your weightloss positively and negatively, and make sure you're losing the weight for the right reasons.

Science- she goes over what your calorie intake should be based on your weight. She also goes over the good fats, bad fats, best food to boost your metabolism and so on and so on.

Sweat- lets face it.....You can not lose weight by just dieting. Exercise is key when it comes to weight loss.

I'm really excited about reading more and using this as a guide with my weight loss.

So...I went grocery shopping tonight. I made sure to pick the healthiest things I could. I gave in to a few things such as cookies and Dr pepper but everything else seemed to be pretty healthy. Since I don't think you should try and quit "cold turkey" I figured I'd allow myself these two things to help me stay sane. lol.
I begin tomorrow with my "diet". It will change as I continue on with my reading but I wanted to get started right away so I'm just going to try and make the best decisions when deciding what I will eat. At first, I was going to wait until I finished reading the book but I quickly realized this was just another effort to hold off on doing what I know needs to be done. No more procrastination. That word just can not be part of my life anymore. I'm weighing in tomorrow as well. This will be interesting b/c I haven't weighed myself in quite awhile and I'm not looking forward to it. Oh well. Here we go...........